Here you go. My one and only concession to Valentine's day. I arranged baked goods in a clumsy heart shape before presenting them to my wife with a dumb grin on my face. I thought about adding something luridly pink to it but there wasn't a Rampant Rabbit dildo to hand. I think it might have ruined the effect slightly. There's a deeper question here regarding the use of the same Pantone for sex toys and Valentine's day cards which I won't attempt to answer.
It's quite easy to get all annoyed about Valentine's day and the way new couples clutter up the place with their smiling and trimmed pubic hair (gag stolen from The Onion) or rather the miserable, desperate couples trying to think of something to say about the various dildo pink items they have bought each other and the bottles of Katie Price/Antonio Banderas branded scent scattered on the table. At some point I would have probably written some drooling rant about it all. Now, I feel sorry for people having to go through the proscribed motions from red roses to making love all night long in an R&B sort of way. I mean, who needs that sort of pressure in their lives.
Valentine's Day used to be a pretty benign affair. Kids would make Mums a card with lots of cheerful pink squiggles all over it and Dad would remember to bring home some flowers or even book a babysitter and a table at the Carvery. Teens would send each other secretive missives, "I love you Dean, from your secret love, Bracy Trown" and there'd be an article in the Sun about some bloke who'd hired a sky writer to scrawl "Marry me, Julie" over a field near Worthing. That would be pretty much it.
Yesterday, I heard a DJ on the radio talking about "Valentine's Day shopping" and I've been assaulted for the last two weeks by advertising. This is no surprise, but, it made me realise just how much shit you'd have to deal with if you were, say, three or four months into a relationship and Valentine's day landed on your lap. You'd have to book a restaurant, knowing you were getting fucked way before you'd even started the date and worst of all you'd have to be ROMANTIC. Being romantic without sounding or acting like you are mentally ill is really hard. Writing romantic poetry is really hard, creating a romantic atmosphere is hard. Romance is tough. It was invented by medieval courtiers who had nothing better to do, they had the time and the money and access to lutes. Most poor saps don't stand a chance. You just end up looking like a retard going through the monkey motions.
So, everyone reading who's "not doing Valentine's day this year" or thinks "it's all invented by the greeting card companies" spare a thought for the poor guys having to contend with the weight of expectation, the disappointments and the cold shoulders tonight. These are brave, brave men.